Over my Head

Lately, I've been consumed in thought or not thinking at all.

It's strange. I find myself taking long walks with my slippery flip flops; sitting outside and staring at the grassy lawn; driving endlessly with street lamps reflecting their lights on my windshield. I'm drowning my world with music. I'm driving under the speed limit.

I feel so drawn to hearing the heart of God and yet, there doesn't seem to be a way to express it.
I've been taking alot of photographs of people, trying to embrace the beauty in eyes and hands and just...life...and it makes me feel even more overwhelmed by God's creation.

I played a jury last week and it was the most heartfelt jury I have ever played. Dr. Weeks came up to me later and encouraged me to continue music next year, something I thought I would dread but I've finally realized that music has become a part of me...it expresses the deepest part of my soul and I can't stop it.

I led worship last week in Chapel and I felt so lost for words if it weren't for the already composed lyrics. I could not even begin to express the intensity I felt in my heart. All I could do was express it through music...but it wasn't nearly enough.

God, I am so ready. So ready for more.

"ruined for anything other than your love"

-starfield

I think part of why I'm feeling so desperate for something more is the fact that I've realized how disappointing life can be. The people you love the most...can be the ones who hurt you the most. I talked to my mom this past weekend for mother's day, hoping for a time where I could express my love towards her and the fact that I miss her. All I got in reply was the endless gossip of family matters which put me in such a funk. It's times like these that make me feel so glad that I am far away from it all.

I was thinking in the shower the other day, perhaps this is why God brought me to the States. My life would have been so different if I were home. I think I would be really depressed. My sister detected signs of depression in me when I was in my teens and I really thank God that I was able to overcome those years...it still makes me sad that my mom and I are worlds apart. I can't seem to relate anymore and it's so hard because I love her so much. I want to tell her about my mission trip, about what God's been doing in my life. I want to show her my photographs and I want her to see me serve God through the worship band at Sunago. Yet all the stories I tell her are so meaningless because she's not here. How can I go back to where I came from without feeling like I have to turn 180 degrees and go back to 5 years ago?

After this past visit to Malaysia, I considered going back permanently after completing my studies. I missed my family so much and seeing my niece growing up put such a joy in my heart. Yet I still struggle in finding a balance between my life in M'sia and the life I lead now. On one hand, my faith has grown immensely since I left and yet on the other hand, there is so much distance in my precious relationships. I keep questioning God, why can't someone just understand?

I find my peace in just trusting that someday, they'll understand.