Copolymers

I find myself lost for words...

These past 2 days have been hard, seeing tear-streamed faces, listening to talk about Virginia Tech, worshipping God through words that have taken new meaning to me...

"When my heart is overwhelmed, hear my cry, give heed to my prayer,

when my eyes are streamed with tears, O Father, make them clear

From the ends of all the earth, when my heart is fainting,

let me know that You have heard,

Lead me into safety"

...I find myself almost addicted to browsing on the net to find out more information ( I don't have a TV). It's like something has taken over me. The curiousity, the longing to understand. Perhaps if I looked hard enough, perhaps if I follow every link and watch every video, I will understand just a little bit more...

I go back to the "don't ask why" crossroads in my life, and yet I think I would be cheating myself if I did not ask God that hard question in this time. Why?

Death...something I still do not understand. I think about Billy off and on...whenever there's a motorcycle on the road or whenever I see someone with twinkling blue-green eyes like he had...whenever there is a couple dancing, times I know he would have something sarcastic to say...gosh...it's so haunting.

I remember after we visited the 9th ward in New Orleans, I was in the parking lot talking to Bray about death. And I asked him if memories come back in the most random times. He said yes.

I remember when I saw that guy at Vieux Carre, I thought of Billy. He had the same eyes, the same smile...the same mischeiviousness about him. It was so strange. What a strange time to think about someone...I guess it's usually when you least expect it...and then we danced...and I thought of dancing with Billy...

What am I trying to say?

I guess I still don't understand the concept of not being able to see someone again...not being able to talk to them or hear them laugh again. I keep longing to hear Billy laugh again...but I just can't... I can't seem to hear him...and it's so strange. It's been about 2 months...3 months since I last saw him and yet...and yet, it seems like it's been years...man, I miss you, Billy.

I think about how that should affect me. And I realize that I need to use every opportunity to invest in the friendships that I have. I regret not ever taking Billy to church when he started questioning church and religion. I regret never telling Billy thank you enough for his generousity. And as I read the book of Acts, I see how Peter and John took every opportunity to claim Jesus Christ as the Savior of their lives...even if they were being persecuted.

And I pray that I will be bold enough...