Stairs

"my heart feels like it's on a stair climber or something..."
-yopp

Some days, life is a work out...but how great it is to rest in God...

Beautiful One

My soul, my soul must sing...

Tonight was the final night of Sunago. Man, I'm going to miss it.

As I reflect on this semester, growing thru Sunago, growing as a musician, as a leader, as a daughter, there's no denying the hand prints of God. Where would I be without the counsel, encouragement and the breath of God in my life?

Tracy asked us hard questions tonight...but it wasn't so much the questions that was hard to deal with, it was the idea that God has a destiny for us all...

"I have something bigger planned for you...you are not alone"

As I tried to digest those words, I couldn't help fighting tears...I don't know why I keep fighting God's pursuit of my heart. It's in these moments where I feel the biggest because God actually cares for me, is when I feel the smallest, because God cares for me.

I still can't wrap my mind around His love...that He chose us...that He chose me...I am constantly brought to humility...not only humility but a feeling of uselessness and unworthiness...and yet...and yet...God has chosen me...I don't know how to put that into words...

I don't know how to explain this weird tension in my heart, my mind...my breath...

I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is the beauty around me and how God is pursuing me through what I see, what I don't see...and my heart beats so fast in excitement of a new day and at the same time, I am at peace...a calm anticipation...I feel like I want to furiously paint a masterpiece or play a beautiful melody that pierces through hearts...I feel like I want to jump off that 40ft waterfall and dive deep into that lake...

God, you are such an inspiration...

I can only fall down on my knees and cry out, Yahweh, Yahweh...and look up in awe, in the face of love...

Oh Lord, how you rush over my heart like a wave...I'm so intoxicated by You...

The brink of...

It's like standing on top of a 40 ft jump, right next to a waterfall...and it's weird to think that all that water glides down all that height and it continues to flow into the lake or stream or whatever it is...and here you are, shaking in your knees, in your breathe, you can feel your heartbeat pounding behind your eyelids and everything below you is a blur...

and here you are...standing on the edge, hoping that where you take off will determine a good landing spot in more than 2 ft of water...

and you listen...you hope God will guide your body as you jump...as you land...

Jonathan was explaining all of this to me tonight...and it made perfect sense. I have been feeling like I'm about to explode lately...and I can't quite explain it. Sometimes I think God's trying to get something in my heart, in my head...sometimes I think it's my fear that's blocking my view of His heart...sometimes I think it's smth I'm really afraid of yet I really desire...sometimes I just feel stuck.

As I wait in anticipation of Colorado, trying to come to a state of restfulness in my heart about everything, I am constantly asking God in my heart...what? What, Lord? The bursting feeling makes me so impatient and all I want right now is to be in a state of peace and understanding...

so to me this is beautiful...

Heroes

Heroes come in such unsuspecting ways...

There comes a day...

You look around yourself and you notice that you're sitting in a circle of friends, some of which have become your heroes: JJ Heidelberg


You're driving down a familiar road and you're looking at the traffic lights and you remember what this person did to your heart when he appeared unsuspectingly to share in your photographs: Andrew Blanchard

You're sitting on a pool chair on a sunny day, looking out at the beautiful lake in front of you in Grenada, MS, and you turn to your left, and there, reading a book is a beautiful woman filled with wisdom: Abbey Wrenn

You watch as she clicks the button on the remote control for the power point during Base Camp and realize that she is a mother to all these children: Jenny Schmitt

You watch as she cries in front of you from a broken heart and you can't believe how much you love her: Kaitlyn Yopp


You think about the beauty this person brings to life: Jaimie Mobley, Dr. Weeks

You are so proud when you watch her cradle her baby in her arms: Jamie Ng

Heroes inspire you in so many ways. All these people have inspired different parts of my life...and I thank God for them...

Copolymers

I find myself lost for words...

These past 2 days have been hard, seeing tear-streamed faces, listening to talk about Virginia Tech, worshipping God through words that have taken new meaning to me...

"When my heart is overwhelmed, hear my cry, give heed to my prayer,

when my eyes are streamed with tears, O Father, make them clear

From the ends of all the earth, when my heart is fainting,

let me know that You have heard,

Lead me into safety"

...I find myself almost addicted to browsing on the net to find out more information ( I don't have a TV). It's like something has taken over me. The curiousity, the longing to understand. Perhaps if I looked hard enough, perhaps if I follow every link and watch every video, I will understand just a little bit more...

I go back to the "don't ask why" crossroads in my life, and yet I think I would be cheating myself if I did not ask God that hard question in this time. Why?

Death...something I still do not understand. I think about Billy off and on...whenever there's a motorcycle on the road or whenever I see someone with twinkling blue-green eyes like he had...whenever there is a couple dancing, times I know he would have something sarcastic to say...gosh...it's so haunting.

I remember after we visited the 9th ward in New Orleans, I was in the parking lot talking to Bray about death. And I asked him if memories come back in the most random times. He said yes.

I remember when I saw that guy at Vieux Carre, I thought of Billy. He had the same eyes, the same smile...the same mischeiviousness about him. It was so strange. What a strange time to think about someone...I guess it's usually when you least expect it...and then we danced...and I thought of dancing with Billy...

What am I trying to say?

I guess I still don't understand the concept of not being able to see someone again...not being able to talk to them or hear them laugh again. I keep longing to hear Billy laugh again...but I just can't... I can't seem to hear him...and it's so strange. It's been about 2 months...3 months since I last saw him and yet...and yet, it seems like it's been years...man, I miss you, Billy.

I think about how that should affect me. And I realize that I need to use every opportunity to invest in the friendships that I have. I regret not ever taking Billy to church when he started questioning church and religion. I regret never telling Billy thank you enough for his generousity. And as I read the book of Acts, I see how Peter and John took every opportunity to claim Jesus Christ as the Savior of their lives...even if they were being persecuted.

And I pray that I will be bold enough...

A Spongey Beginning

Dear You,

I know it's been quite a while but in my defense I am reaching for an analogy of the sponge. (After all, Jesus was referred to as a Launderer's soap in Micah). Well, the sponge analogy requires some imagination thus work with me here. First, imagine a dry sponge sitting next to a puddle of water coming from a dripping tap. Right where the water can touch the sponge, it bears left (instead of going straight) because there is a crack on the table that the water is dripping on and the sponge is sitting on. Therefore, instead of being soaked up, it trickles to the floor.

For a while now, I have been living life this way. Me, being the sponge, God being the water and the crack being life. Instead of absorbing the waters of His spirit and becoming soft and tender towards His word and His calling, I have been missing out, all because of my selfishness and insecurities.

Many of you may know that I am going to be a missionary this summer and boy has that been a ride. From not having any money to now having more than half of my goal. From having to buy my own plane ticket to getting someone who volunteered to get for me thru a travel agent. From being afraid to now, rejoicing in being challenged. My God, You are amazing.

Needless to say, I am beginning to soak up this drippy water...not because cracks have been filled, but because the water is dripping quicker and only so much can leak through the cracks before it is overwhelmed by the rushing water.

I spent a week in New Orleans and I can't express how much I have felt since then. I finally understand a little bit of what it means to be in awe and fear of God.

I told God that I felt so far from Him. It was the first time I realized that God's thoughts are so much higher than mine. In my eyes, I could not believe how or why this would happen to New Orleans...but I refuse to question God in this manner. Instead, I held on to the hope that by asking "what, Lord?" that I would be used to "tidy up this mess."
(Pic of New Orleans, lower 9th ward)


I spent this past weekend at a commissioning and leadership event in WhiteOak. Another one of those amazing moments. I found myself crying uncontrollably as the hands of my friends, my fellow missionary, my brother and my teacher were on me. As they prayed for our hearts, our mission, our God, I couldn't help feeling for the first time, that someOne was proud of me. And more than that, all those who were there, who hugged us and love us with their concern and their incredible hearts, were proud of me. I have never felt such love.

I spent the rest of the weekend with fellow missionaries, nervous and anxious, even overwhelmed by our responsibilities. One of them being this blog (I will be updating this blog while in Colorado with prayer requests and learnings). I felt no peace last night after our 2 hour discussion about what to expect, how to prepare, what to do while on the mission field. I went to bed after searching the first 3 chapters of the book of Acts and it finally dawned on me...

I had been avoiding the book of Acts for the sole reason of fear. I have never been able to read through it and I know that God has been knocking on my heart to read it. Through conversations, sharing and the constant "read Acts," I finally confessed to my bro, Bradyn, that I am just fearful of what God will say to me through this book.

Last night I had revelation #1. God is using this book to encourage me! In Chapter 3, the story of healing that Peter and John were involved in...man, it hit me hard. I came to the understanding that it is truly God's power that helped them minister and perform miracles to those who were broken. When they ask why are you surprised? It is God! I realized that one of the key attitudes a follower should have is humility. (Pic of JJ who found a waterlogged Bible in the lower 9th ward, in front of the house in the previous picture)

Miracles...they happen.


Today, amidst praying with those who will work with kids this summer, those with non-believing parents, those who are fearful and anxious, I found peace. Peace in knowing that Christ is working in all of us. Peace in believing that my heart is absorbing the water that is flowing from Him.

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced Affection
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all begin
Where I would long for only you

Like a child I take you at Your Word
As this mountains of doubt
they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever
here with You?

-Starfield