Its haunting

You know how if you scare easily, you'd rather just close your eyes when that scary scene comes on TV and much rather not know? But the curiosity lingers. You wonder if you could really take it. If you'd really be scared if you saw a glimpse of whatever scary image there is in front of you. So you spread your fingers a little and peak. You see someone running and it's dark and eerily blue and then BAM there's a glimpse of the creature's nose or mouth or really sharp teeth. And it's done. The image is forever in your mind and no matter what you do now, whenever you're scared, you're going to see that image.

It haunts you.

All that to say...God is haunting.

I've been reflecting lately on Colorado, my life, New Orleans, where all of this is leading me to. I remember some emotions I felt in Colorado as if it were happening to me again. The faces, smiles, the beautiful hugs I got from little Andrew everything morning and his precious precious "Hi Wachew" and little Tim's "Raaachel...I love you" gosh...it's beautiful. So why is all of this haunting?

It haunts me because I have seen a glimpse of the world. A world in need and a world so broken and separated from God. In Gunnison, I saw it in the eyes of the kids...directionless. They did not have role models whom they could follow, to be discipled by, to be loved by. In New Orleans, I saw it in the eyes of the people who sat around the streets, the man who danced with me, the old lady whose house was destroyed.

It haunts me because I know I can do something about it.

Lately my heart has been so shattered from learning about Rwanda. I get so frustrated when reality hits me and I say to myself, THIS REALLY HAPPENED. How could it? God, where were you? Did you hear the screams and watch the women being raped over and over again? Did you see little children who breathed our air for less than a year get eaten by dogs?

GOD!

I'm not angry. No, what's done is done. I just want to help.

Is this all to make me feel better about myself? That I did my part in the world? Maybe. I'm sure my vanity is part of it. I cannot be seen as a more than an instrument because that is all I am. If God does not humble me each day by showing me how I fail in so many ways, I would be so proud. So incredibly clueless of my vanity and my selfishness...it sickens me.

How can I show you that He loves you? How can I love you like He does? I can't even get over silly arguments and stop myself from judging others...

Today, we sang a song by Desperation Band...and it was the song that I have a heart-connection with. As I walked to have dinner on a Tuesday night, with Andrea, the world became silent and these words rang deep in my ears and my heart.

I'm ready now, do what You will.

At that point, I realized that I was ready. Ready for Colorado. Ready for God to do whatever He wanted with me that summer. And man it was rough. But the whole time I remembered that I had told God that He had access to all of me. I prayed another song for my summer "to grow as your disciple in your truth. This world is empty, pale and pure, compared to knowing You my Lord, lead me on and I will run after You." That was my focus. And it became my only strength.

I guess I'm sorta where I was in February when things were so blurry yet I knew that they were unfolding as God had planned for me. Right now, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I will be after I graduate. I am actively pursueing certain routes but it hasn't become clear to me.

Today, a girl came up to me...and said, Rachel, God gave me your name. 1 year. I don't know where but 1 year. Start praying.
My reply: awesome, let's god to Rwanda...wait, you sure it was me and not another Rachel?
her reply: Rachel, God doesn't have accent problems like other people do. it was Rachel Ng.
my response: oh dear...better start praying...

So basically, all I know right now is that if I am going to live a comfortable life, I will be forever haunted by the world I have seen...and if I say again, I'm ready, Do what You will, I better believe that it's not going to be easy...and there will be changes in itineraries. Ah, God.

This was so rambly. So sorry if you got confused.

Peace.