justsittingthere

Name:
Location: United States

Trusting God is hard, obedience is harder. But at the end of the day, my heart rejoices in the peace and hope that I am given because of Him.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Brought to reconcile

I decided not to take piano lessons this semester.

I wanted to spend my time serving and not feeling guilty because I had not practiced.

In Colorado, not a week went by without me strumming the guitar or playing the piano. In times of desperation, heartbreak and disappointment, I would sneak off to the sanctuary and sit at the piano and play. Play anything. Play something. Play my heart out.

Music is so indescribable. It articulates my heart so well. If I could, I would never use words again and just play how I feel. All the time.

As I sat in the Chapel yesterday with Shontae, God's presence surrounded us as we lifted our voices to him. Just the two of us and a piano. With shouts of "Praise Jesus" in the air and the desperation I heard in my own voice to bring God closer to us, my heart was broken. I felt the disgust of sin in my life, the unworthiness of being in the presence of my maker. The unforgiveness I have harboured and the anxiety that over and over again, leads me to fail at faith. I saw myself, in His light and I was wretched.

On Sunday, we sang "Amazing Grace" and it truly came alive to me.

I once was lost, but now I see.

I see now, so clearly, that I was made for this. I was made to worship God. I was made to live my life only for Him. I am nothing.

Over and over again, I feel so overwhelmed by this truth as it digs its way into the very core of who I am. It is so real to me. I cannot describe it.

And today, I fell to my face again as I was asked to worship lead at Sunago. Lord, Me?

Towards the end of the summer, I prayed about leading at Sunago. WHY? I am terrified of singing in front of people on a stage. I am not good enough. Yet, I had a burning desire to lead worship even though it makes no sense to me.

The truth is, I am a coward. I am so scared of failing. Of being too controlling. Of details. And yet, whenever I do lead, whenever I do sing, When I worship, it feels so right. It feels like I am hanging out, sitting on a swing, with my Maker. And as I sing, I am showing Him how vulnerable I am. How torn up and raw I am on the inside and how much I want Him to see that. To see all of me. To help me come clean and to say the words that I am so afraid to say sometimes.

The Pastor on Sunday was talking about New Orleans and how it is the number 1 city in the world for murder. My heart responded "Lord, I would die in New Orleans proclaiming the gospel." Yet I have not been able to say that out loud. I am scared. Frightened that I will disappoint God in some way by going with my heart. I have been checking out my options for after graduation when it's so obvious to me that my heart is in New Orleans. Am I being stupid? Faithless?

I am so mad at myself sometimes. I feel like God is breaking my will, my will for my life. My will for everything. And I am so afraid of what He's doing, but I have never trusted Him more.

I was hurt so badly last year and most people, either check out of life when they go through something so devastating. Some nights, I could not bear the pain I felt physically and emotionally in my heart. I was ripped apart and I never thought that I could breathe again. Yet I kept saying that I wanted to seek healing from God even though some nights, I could not believe in what I said. God came through.

I have never been able to trust the way I trust now.
I have never been able to love the way I love now.
I have never been able to say the things I can say now.

I did not check out of life. My heart grew back. And the only reason I am able to stand up again is because God held me. When I was drenched in tears and out of air to breathe, He heard my sobs and brought me closer to who He made me to be.

His.

I am scared. But only because I know that God is going to blow me away. I am going to be stretched. I feel it.


And I'm ready.