Its haunting

You know how if you scare easily, you'd rather just close your eyes when that scary scene comes on TV and much rather not know? But the curiosity lingers. You wonder if you could really take it. If you'd really be scared if you saw a glimpse of whatever scary image there is in front of you. So you spread your fingers a little and peak. You see someone running and it's dark and eerily blue and then BAM there's a glimpse of the creature's nose or mouth or really sharp teeth. And it's done. The image is forever in your mind and no matter what you do now, whenever you're scared, you're going to see that image.

It haunts you.

All that to say...God is haunting.

I've been reflecting lately on Colorado, my life, New Orleans, where all of this is leading me to. I remember some emotions I felt in Colorado as if it were happening to me again. The faces, smiles, the beautiful hugs I got from little Andrew everything morning and his precious precious "Hi Wachew" and little Tim's "Raaachel...I love you" gosh...it's beautiful. So why is all of this haunting?

It haunts me because I have seen a glimpse of the world. A world in need and a world so broken and separated from God. In Gunnison, I saw it in the eyes of the kids...directionless. They did not have role models whom they could follow, to be discipled by, to be loved by. In New Orleans, I saw it in the eyes of the people who sat around the streets, the man who danced with me, the old lady whose house was destroyed.

It haunts me because I know I can do something about it.

Lately my heart has been so shattered from learning about Rwanda. I get so frustrated when reality hits me and I say to myself, THIS REALLY HAPPENED. How could it? God, where were you? Did you hear the screams and watch the women being raped over and over again? Did you see little children who breathed our air for less than a year get eaten by dogs?

GOD!

I'm not angry. No, what's done is done. I just want to help.

Is this all to make me feel better about myself? That I did my part in the world? Maybe. I'm sure my vanity is part of it. I cannot be seen as a more than an instrument because that is all I am. If God does not humble me each day by showing me how I fail in so many ways, I would be so proud. So incredibly clueless of my vanity and my selfishness...it sickens me.

How can I show you that He loves you? How can I love you like He does? I can't even get over silly arguments and stop myself from judging others...

Today, we sang a song by Desperation Band...and it was the song that I have a heart-connection with. As I walked to have dinner on a Tuesday night, with Andrea, the world became silent and these words rang deep in my ears and my heart.

I'm ready now, do what You will.

At that point, I realized that I was ready. Ready for Colorado. Ready for God to do whatever He wanted with me that summer. And man it was rough. But the whole time I remembered that I had told God that He had access to all of me. I prayed another song for my summer "to grow as your disciple in your truth. This world is empty, pale and pure, compared to knowing You my Lord, lead me on and I will run after You." That was my focus. And it became my only strength.

I guess I'm sorta where I was in February when things were so blurry yet I knew that they were unfolding as God had planned for me. Right now, I have no idea what I'm doing or where I will be after I graduate. I am actively pursueing certain routes but it hasn't become clear to me.

Today, a girl came up to me...and said, Rachel, God gave me your name. 1 year. I don't know where but 1 year. Start praying.
My reply: awesome, let's god to Rwanda...wait, you sure it was me and not another Rachel?
her reply: Rachel, God doesn't have accent problems like other people do. it was Rachel Ng.
my response: oh dear...better start praying...

So basically, all I know right now is that if I am going to live a comfortable life, I will be forever haunted by the world I have seen...and if I say again, I'm ready, Do what You will, I better believe that it's not going to be easy...and there will be changes in itineraries. Ah, God.

This was so rambly. So sorry if you got confused.

Peace.

Falling Summer rambles...

Lately, I've been thinking about my hands. How vain. No but really, I've realized that when it comes to everything that I love to do in life and in ways that I worship God, they all involve my hands. Whether it is playing the piano, writing, doing art, photography, lifting up my hands to God...my hands are at work.

I take lots of pride in my hands...I love looking at other people's hands too. I think hands say a lot about a person. My dad has really battered up hands because he's always working on something...yard work, building bird houses, planting seeds...and he never cares about the dirt under his nails or the scars he has accumulated from cuts and tool-mishaps. Artists always have dirty fingernails and pianists always have short fingernails. Bold women have bright red nail polish and young ladies have shades of pink. Whichever way one uses to present one's hands, I believe, directly relate to who they are.

I have never thanked God for my hands. I don't think I've ever really thanked Him for my sight, my ability to hear, to walk, to talk...all these things that I take for granted each day. On my hall itself, there is a blind student and another who had to take vocal rest a year ago. And each time I see them, I feel like I do not deserve all that I am capable of doing physically.

As the sun was setting yesterday, a thought came into my mind. What if one day, my hands were taken away? How would I worship God? What if my voice was taken from me? How would I sing? What if my sight was taken, where would I look to when I do not know the answers? I truly struggled with this thought because my whole being rests on the way I physically express myself. This is when I realized that Worship...not just the music aspect of it, but in its entirety,
Worship...is who I am. It is what I am made for.

Ever heard that we were made to worship God? That it is the one thing we were created for?

It has finally come clear to me...that the most important thing in my life is to Worship God. Now, I'm sure I would run into a lot of challenges had I not a physical way of worshipping God, but at the same time, my very essence, who I am...should be consumed with worship. It was comforting to know that God has taken me away from the worries of how I would get by in this world without my senses, to how I would live without being able to worship Him. My life would be so empty and my cause, pointless. I would in essence, be without hope...without a purpose to live.

Even without my hands, without sight or voice...my heart still beats to worship. Each day, I am completely consumed with thoughts of worshipping God...every opportunity to sing, to dance, to write...overflows from this heart, and it will continue to do so, regardless of physical abilities. It makes sense that our hearts are so drawn to God because part of Him is in us and the whole purpose of our hearts, is for Him.

Without realizing this, all we feel is longing and we have no idea what we are longing for. In pain we do not understand what we are trying to run away from or run towards...but it is our hearts that are crying out to be whole with our Maker. In essence it is realizing that we are nothing...and we need something...someone...God...


This is worship.

Brought to reconcile

I decided not to take piano lessons this semester.

I wanted to spend my time serving and not feeling guilty because I had not practiced.

In Colorado, not a week went by without me strumming the guitar or playing the piano. In times of desperation, heartbreak and disappointment, I would sneak off to the sanctuary and sit at the piano and play. Play anything. Play something. Play my heart out.

Music is so indescribable. It articulates my heart so well. If I could, I would never use words again and just play how I feel. All the time.

As I sat in the Chapel yesterday with Shontae, God's presence surrounded us as we lifted our voices to him. Just the two of us and a piano. With shouts of "Praise Jesus" in the air and the desperation I heard in my own voice to bring God closer to us, my heart was broken. I felt the disgust of sin in my life, the unworthiness of being in the presence of my maker. The unforgiveness I have harboured and the anxiety that over and over again, leads me to fail at faith. I saw myself, in His light and I was wretched.

On Sunday, we sang "Amazing Grace" and it truly came alive to me.

I once was lost, but now I see.

I see now, so clearly, that I was made for this. I was made to worship God. I was made to live my life only for Him. I am nothing.

Over and over again, I feel so overwhelmed by this truth as it digs its way into the very core of who I am. It is so real to me. I cannot describe it.

And today, I fell to my face again as I was asked to worship lead at Sunago. Lord, Me?

Towards the end of the summer, I prayed about leading at Sunago. WHY? I am terrified of singing in front of people on a stage. I am not good enough. Yet, I had a burning desire to lead worship even though it makes no sense to me.

The truth is, I am a coward. I am so scared of failing. Of being too controlling. Of details. And yet, whenever I do lead, whenever I do sing, When I worship, it feels so right. It feels like I am hanging out, sitting on a swing, with my Maker. And as I sing, I am showing Him how vulnerable I am. How torn up and raw I am on the inside and how much I want Him to see that. To see all of me. To help me come clean and to say the words that I am so afraid to say sometimes.

The Pastor on Sunday was talking about New Orleans and how it is the number 1 city in the world for murder. My heart responded "Lord, I would die in New Orleans proclaiming the gospel." Yet I have not been able to say that out loud. I am scared. Frightened that I will disappoint God in some way by going with my heart. I have been checking out my options for after graduation when it's so obvious to me that my heart is in New Orleans. Am I being stupid? Faithless?

I am so mad at myself sometimes. I feel like God is breaking my will, my will for my life. My will for everything. And I am so afraid of what He's doing, but I have never trusted Him more.

I was hurt so badly last year and most people, either check out of life when they go through something so devastating. Some nights, I could not bear the pain I felt physically and emotionally in my heart. I was ripped apart and I never thought that I could breathe again. Yet I kept saying that I wanted to seek healing from God even though some nights, I could not believe in what I said. God came through.

I have never been able to trust the way I trust now.
I have never been able to love the way I love now.
I have never been able to say the things I can say now.

I did not check out of life. My heart grew back. And the only reason I am able to stand up again is because God held me. When I was drenched in tears and out of air to breathe, He heard my sobs and brought me closer to who He made me to be.

His.

I am scared. But only because I know that God is going to blow me away. I am going to be stretched. I feel it.


And I'm ready.

Reflections Part 1: Fly Fishing

I know I know. It's been a while. I have been home in Charlotte for about a week and some and have been adapting to the city life and life without the mountains surrounding me. It is quite disheartening sometimes. Here, you pay for EVERYTHING. Hiking. Climbing. It's so different. In Colorado, I could pick up and leave to the mountains any time I wanted. My heart is struggling to find its footing again. As much as I love change, I always forget that it takes a while before I am out of that shock-factor after change.

I've had some time to think about certain events and the more I look at my pictures, the more I remember the God-moments that were behind that camera view finder, uncaptured through the lense.

One of my favorite things in all life is fishing.

Give me a boy who will take me fishing and I might just fall for him.

Mr. Lendol, the husband of the lady who discipled me, took me fly fishing one afternoon. I had mentioned to Miss Becky that I have always really wanted to learn how. There is so much beauty in watching the cast and the landing of the little fly out in the unknown waters. She decided to take me...and let Mr. Lendol teach me.

Fly fishing is so delicate. You have to watch the current of the water and inspect every nook and cranny. In a bubbly brook, fishes are hiding underneathe rocks where the water is calmer than the rest of the current. Unlike lake fishing or river fishing, the fly you cast stays afloat. You have to keep your eye on it but it is so tiny that I often lost sight of it.

Fly fishing is all about feeling. You can't see if your rod is bent or the line is tense. You have to feel it bop and immediately yank at the line. You have to be patient and keep casting, having the exact amount of line to cast far away yet not too long that it will get caught on leaves and twigs as you cast. When the line flows down with the current, you have to gently cast it, without raising your wrist at the end of the cast. It truly is an art.

I had lots of fun casting but was a little discouraged not being able to catch anything. Mr. Lendol changed bait over and over to suit the fishes he thought we were dealing with. Still nothing. I decided to concentrate on the art of casting, perfecting the distance and amount of line I used. It was hard.

Somehow in all of that, my heart was really at peace. I thought about Jesus calling fishermen to be his disciples and I thought about all the things that fishing entails. Patience, endurance, skill in knowing what fish likes what bait and where the fish are hangin out. All these things we take for granted sometimes in life. When Jesus told his disciples that they were going to be fishers of men, I bet the same things kinda applied (Matt 4:19).

I guess being a missionary is kinda like being a fisherman. You have to have patience because often times, you are planting a seed and not harvesting it. It is only God that makes it grow, after all. You have to have endurance (James 1). Even when things look discouraging, you have to continue to press on, believing that all that you do does not go to waste (1 Corinthians 15:58). It is for the kingdom and not your glory( 1 Corinthians 10:31).

Skill. Alot of non believers use the line, "christians are hypocrites." Being a missionary does not make you any less supceptible to being a hypocrite. In fact, your whole life and witness is on the line. Knowing how to love and just be there for someone is so much more important in expanding the kingdom than preaching AT someone. I've been preached AT alot. I've been pretty turned off. (1 Corinthians 9:19-23)

Anyways, this is just the first of many more reflections I plan on writing. Maybe I'll compile all of this and make it my "mission" experience book. Hope you enjoy!

How can I keep from singing?

This past week has been pretty amazing. It's truly wonderful to know that God knows our heart and the very ache of it. I found myself in a routine of work around the church each week and though I know that it blesses those who usually do these tasks around the year, it was so great to get away from all of that.

I went to New Orleans for a week for MissionLab which is a program run by the NO Baptist Theological Seminary. The work that they do comprises of gutting houses, working at foodbanks and the like. I was able to visit some sites while I was there and take photographs. Basically, all that my heart loves to do. The Sunago band also reunited and I must say, a week with boys can be a little stressful sometimes. It was however, a blessing to lead worship with Robert, Jimmy and Will.

My heart was so inspired by the ministry that has been blooming down there. Part of me wants to be in the middle of it all. My heart longs so much to be there. Yet I continue to seek guidance and direction from God for the coming years. I don't want to end up doing something easy or convenient yet somehow I feel like I have a lot more to learn about ministry.

I have about 10 more days left here in Gunnison and I'm starting to feel burnt out. There is much to contemplate and think about especially dealing with ministry. I have been on mountains and in valleys...both literally and spiritually. But my image of God has changed much since I first came here. I learned that I should choose to trust God no matter what, before I even get tested. And when I am tested, to take the high road and not be discouraged. I used to panic when the hard times come and then seek God's direction but now I've learned otherwise.

I have learned that sometimes, people just misunderstand and there's really nothing you can do about it. But in the midst of that, to find peace even when injustice has been done. It is so hard, but only God can vindicate.

I've learned that memorizing scripture allows it to forever change and minister to your thoughts and your heart. I memorized Ps 139 which I thought I could never do. In the midst of my storms, I have recited it and each time, a different verse would hit me and mean something I never thought about.

I was reminded of Ecc 3 where the teacher talks about seasons for everything. My fave used to be "a time to mourn and a time to dance" which inspired my support letter. A week ago, I was inspired by "a time to search and a time to give up."

In a sense, I have come to the point where I am ready to give up searching in so many areas of my life. Be it ministry, friendship, reconciliation, understanding. It all boils down to the fact that I am not my own and I am not living for my own gain.

I've never been so sure of my heart. Of my God.

Pastor Willie asked us a week ago, what is your life's goal. A friend said, To glorify God. Though in all we do, we should, I have come to the conclusion that my life's goal is to KNOW God. It is when you know God, even just a little bit of His heart and His character through His word or circumstances He has brought you through, that you feel complete.


Whole.


His.


"How Can I keep from Singing Your praise?
How could I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your Love
How Can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
and it makes my heart want to sing."

Flexibility

Last week at Christian Challenge which is Gunnison's version of BCM, we learned about flexibility. As an illustration, Tim, who was presenting, decided to change the location on us, without us knowing. So we arrived at Joe Rick's place, where we normally have CC, only to bump into Eric and Nick on the way there. They said that the location had been changed to Trinity. So we drove all the way back into town to Trinity only to see another sign saying it had moved to Tim and Jerri's place.

At this point, we had figured out what was going on. So me in my lil blue mini van with the 4 other girls followed Nick and Eric to the location. They taught about what it means to be flexible. One of the things Joe said was that ministry is rather inconvenient and that we should always be flexible.

Well, me being miss punctual was rather annoyed in the car before i figured out that this was all a "joke" but seriously, it taught me about how inflexible I am sometimes.

So on Sunday, we had a youth mission group come from Missouri and that night I found out that our plans for the whole week would be changed. First, we were only going to help at the carnival and minister to the carnival workers which I've been so excited about. This would mean we would have a rather light week. Well, turns out that the group wanted to do a BackYard Bible Club With us and also a Youth VBS. Oh the memories of VBS. Though it was a great week, it was so tiring.

So I was grumpy. I had to call everyone and set up vans to get the kids in the morning, ride the routes to show the missionaries where all the kids live and etc. OF course I wanted to be all grumpy about it but I remembered the talk about flexibility and also remembered what my mentor, Miss Becky said. She said that even if it's a short time, when you pour your life into someone else's, it never goes to waste.

I also wanted to report a praise. I have asked many of you to pray for the Cottens, the family that I've fallen in love with. Well, I called their mom after I sent you all my email and she agreed to allow me to teach the Bible to her kids. PRAISE GOD!

I visited the Cottens on Sunday to see the kids and the mom wouldn't even let me into the house but I got to ask them about some of the Bible readings that I gave them to do. Donovan, the oldest twin who said his fave guy in the Bible was Moses because of the Ark (we straightened that out later), actually read about Noah and knew about the Rainbow. It's a miracle

This I've done in Colorado...

1) Seen Polar Bears

2) Gone fly fishing

3) Saw my sunrise across Mt Elbert June 30th 2007

4) It snowed on my birthday...never really asked God for that but it was pretty amazing nevertheless

5) Got a free donut from a family we are trying to minister to

6) Fallen in love with the love of my life, Drew Isaacson

7) Hiked to 12,500 ft and I now know what it feels like to suffocate

Time Lag

Everything is beautiful, even when the tears are falling.


Since our mission began in Colorado, all 5 of us have had to encounter trials happening far away from us. My roomie Chasity was homesick and wanting to leave for the first 2 weeks. Each day was filled with tears until she made herself sick, throwing up and taken to the doctor. Then I found out Robert Hargrove was moving and that broke my heart. I've learned not to be too attached to people for fear of them leaving but I sometimes, people walk in your life and you cannot help how much they inspire you, teach you and make their way into your heart. I fear abandonment, I have always. And strangely enough, though I know the Hargroves were not abandoning us/ me neccessarily, the hurts of my past, being left by my father, being broken up with, being shouted at by a drunk friend, they all rose from their graves. I had to relive those scary moments in my life and remember that God is still God.

Soon after, Hope found out that her parents lost the house they had put a down payment on. Then Ashley's friend Brooke died in a freak accident at a parade where a car spun out of control and ran into a crowd injuring 18, killing 7. Brooke at 18 years of age was one of them. Today we found out that Callie's dad has cancer. He was admitted into the hospital last week for what they thought was a heart attack. Turns out that he has spots in his lungs and his brain. They don't know what kind of cancer it is.

So many trials.

Amidst that, I know that God is sovereign. He is in control. But I know that this is a time for testing for all of us. Are we going to hold on to His hands or simply let go?

I came to Colorado seeking healing. I knew that this would mean that I'd have to confront all the hurts and wounds of the past. Each week there seems to be something new that God lays on my heart. But with each hurt, there has been verses from the Word, encouragement from my mentor here, music that helps me breathe again and the mountains that constantly decorate my view. I remember that hope never fails us because our hope is in Christ.

I can't believe how much God has already taught me. I have become more discipline in memorizing verses because of something Joe Ricks, my supervisor said. He said that we can never know when we are going to be faced with trial but we can do whatever it takes to be prepared for it. Spending time in prayer, seeking His word, memorizing/hiding scripture in our hearts. We can do that.

My mentor said that we, people in ministry, we are at the frontlines of the battle with the enemy. Each day, we have to equipp ourselves with our weapons, discpline ourselves in the Word and be ready. Soldiers do not know what mission they will have till the day of or hour of, but they spend all that time in training to be prepared.

I've learned that knowing who your God is, is so important during trial. Because when all else fails, knowing how big your God is, what He can do, will bring you hope.

I have had lots of time to learn, but not enough to reflect and that's prob why I haven't written alot. Most of the time, I find myself sitting in a grassy field or laying under the stars on a mountain and just appreciating what I see...knowing that my Creator did this all for me.

It's overwhelming.

So I encourage you, reader. Remember the beautiful in the pain. Because it is where God's hand meets your heart.

I love you all!